The last few years, man the last few years have been everything.
I always say you have to live life with everything, and that’s what I did. I’ve lost and gained so much, I’ve loved and lost, more lost than ever loved, but I’m still here. I have changed for the better and sometimes for the worst, though change is a life lesson I carry with me no matter what.
It’s been plenty of hellos, but it’s also been a good chunk of goodbyes.
The people I’ve lost, all I can really say is thank you. I miss you each day, and sometimes I still can’t believe you’re not here. Each time I lost someone I felt like was being tested to see how strong I was, but it’s not about being strong and having a meaning when it comes to death. It’s just knowing that it just is, our time was not short, but rather long. Filled with love, laughs, disagreements, but from each one came more love. I used to count the days, but now I count the memories, I’ll never be able to count the times I said I love you or I appreciate you because it was endless and to be honest some went unsaid, but I just wanted to say thank you, and the love I have for all of you will never change you inspire me, invoke the creativity in me and for that I am thankful.
There is life and death and it’s manifested through memories and love.
Love has been kind, confusing, hard, but still fulfilling. I learned the meaning of my love style. I love hard, and I take it to the heart and the head. Love has shaped a view, a perspective of myself that I’m starting to truly understand and hopefully I’m lead to that little kid and the love of my life I keep dreaming about.
My Love Style is to love hard no matter what.
I’ve made moves in my career, I’ve been writing, singing, rapping, hosting, doing podcast for the last seven years, but there was that point where I felt I was never enough, and I wanted to just leave it in a box. I look back on that time, I was ready to walk away from it all, just hang it up. I felt like a never was. It just a big thing about me just not making the moves I wanted to make. I felt like I was giving 100 percent to everyone, supporting everyone, but support for me in my opinion, in my eyes it fell flat. I really for a moment really had it in my head and soul, that it was time for me to move on. So I did and it felt good, it felt amazing to have all of that stress gone, those questions of why is this not selling? Why is this not being talked or why is a big chunk of my friends and family not supporting me? I let it go for a minute and to be honest it felt good to give up. It felt good to be defeated.
Yes I did cut people off, I wanted to be alone. I wanted to just sleep without the thought of my career, my journey as an author being a complete and utter flop. My mind was made up, this was one of the two points in my life where I got a wake up call. When I was writing Freedom Feels Like, I grew up, but when I was going through this time of why isn’t this working and me just walking away I grew up, but I grew up with perspective this time.
I was retired for a few months, then I regrouped I started to make moves in silence. I started to keep a low profile, I got back into writing, performing, hosting my show with perspective. I always used to say to people never forget why you do what you love. I forgot that, so for me it’s about having fun now no matter what. If the success comes great if it doesn’t I can say I was here, I can say I made my mark, I inspired people, people inspired me.
I went back to why I love doing what I do, and that’s to inspire people no matter what.
To sum this year and the past few years, going into this new decade. I’m proud to say I’ve changed. I’m stronger than I was yesterday, I’ve grown up with perspective. Most importantly, I’m ready for this next chapter. I’m ready to see where it goes.