 When I let my mind drift
I find myself waiting in question Find myself searching for the me in question. I find myself waking up in the daydream and taking it by the seams. Creating a reality, using a type of creativity I thought I had lost when I healed. As I let my mind drift. I could see that I was too busy trying to find a reason to be broken because I had convinced myself that I was more productive when I was in that state of mind. I was more creative broken, I was more less awakened in the mindset of forgetting. Forgetting that the pain was supposed to eventually fade, but I let it shape, let it take the form of my coveted creativity. As I let my mind drift. Back to the areas of my creativity discovering that I never lost it. I just had to find away to process this new found sense of reality. Realizing I didn’t know how to be accustomed to this new happy, this new sense of I’m grown up. The moment I let my mind drift. I unearthed the real progression that came with all my confessions.
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 Used to losing my way, but I’ve never been this
close to falling from grace. Each conflict I’m trying to prove to others, prove to myself who I am. Had heart to hearts with myself, but I still have that insecurity of not wanting to be looked at like I couldn’t do this on my own. Like I couldn’t make life my own. I crawl away and repeat What am I doing? Almost 10 years later what am I trying to prove? Who the hell am I trying to prove it to? Where am I going this time? What does God still have in store for me? What else has life got to throw at me? Is this the side effects of placing that curtain on the mirror? Walking away from the antidotes and just choosing to get high off of old quotes. I still haven’t learned to turn to anyone, I candle my life, I control this flame, but I feel it going out. I guess it’s just time for me to fight these side effects again. I took to the mirror, whispered reflection and I was shown someone who still doesn’t know what they want? A heart that is still steady, but closer to an edge of never believing. Asking them self how will they fall this time and will this be the time they finally lose sight of grace, just to prove the reflection wrong. Asking... Mirror, Mirror on the wall how hard will I fall? What am I doing? God am I on the right path? What am I trying to prove? Who the hell am I trying to prove it to? Is the fall from grace really the true ending to my story? Is this the side effects of placing that curtain on the Mirror? Do I really have the strength to try this again? Do I really have what it takes to make my mark? As I fall down everything just freezes. My eyes open... I stand up, face myself clear my mind, finally realize that, when I fall down the only eyes that are looking are mine seemingly dead in the reflection, but clearly still alive. These side effects got me all a wreck, but when I breathe, I can see. Realize that the story is only done when I say it is.  I really had to fall, to see the art in it all.
The pain that was painted into beauty. The heartbreak that was sung into a reviving yet haunting melody. I wish I didn’t have to fall to see the art in this life, in what we call a dream where we say everyone can make it if they just try, but we forget that we can wake up to reality and some unexpected transition to just sleep, to fall asleep in the last dream. I really had to stand to see the art in it all. The moments that were written into memories. The love that was recorded into breathtaking endings. I really had to stand to see the art in it all, to the see the art in this life we call a dream but some putting the dream aside to just see the art in the memories. Sometimes the dream is enough, sometimes reality is enough when you see the art in it all. The art in the pain we remember as beauty. The art in the heartbreak we sing when we need some rain from the soul to hit the heart just right, to hit the mind just right. The art in the moments we write down when we need an escape. The art in the love, we replay that ending that makes us smile when we’re not paying attention. Stand or fall, eventually you will see… The Art in it All.  Thought I was done, finished and
worn out. Didn’t have any new reason to fight. I tried to make things right instead of learning from this and moving and realizing that I’m a different person than I was yesterday. I know what I want, I know what I need, I know what I needed to see. I learned who I am now and that... I’m so much stronger than yesterday. I’m so much wiser than yesterday. I’m more ambitious than yesterday, as I look at tomorrow with no sorrows or regrets, I don’t want to forget the past it made me who I am. Stronger than I was yesterday. Brave for today and every new sunlight to rise and every moonlight to set and express that I am so much stronger than yesterday. I used to pass by the mirror and feel like I was nothing like I was wasting my time. I couldn’t see anything else but me trying to be happy when I was clearly breaking and I was taking shots to make the pain disappear. I saw a reflection and no chance of finding the right direction until I realized that it was right in front of me. I’m so much stronger than yesterday. I’m so much wiser than yesterday. I’m more ambitious than yesterday, as I look at tomorrow with no sorrows or regrets, I don’t want to forget the past it made me who I am. Waves of pressure make me into the indestructible steel, made all of the pain worth it, and that me being here was real. I was who I am today which was stronger than I was yesterday. Yesterday is gone, but the lessons are here to stay. Letting me know who I am today and that I’m stronger than yesterday. That I’m better than yesterday, I’m new a person today. Living like steel that won’t break, living like a fire that can’t go out, living like a waterfall that is stronger for the rest of its days. I’m stronger than yesterday. So much stronger than yesterday.  I find myself alone at night.
Nothing in my view but the stars. I feel the weight just drop off but in my room, I sit alone sometimes thinking I’m too far gone. People right outside, yet I feel like I can’t talk to anyone. Sometimes I don’t know what to do, I look in the mirror only to tell myself I have to be strong because there is... No room to break, no room to lose it, no room to face the pain, to tell myself the truth when I look in the mirror so I let it all out in a new entry of... Poetry Poetry is my key for crying with no one seeing. Poetry is my key for breaking with me keeping my outside so beautifully woven together. Poetry is my key to the truth, I never have the courage to say. Poetry is my key to open up while still keeping it all on the inside. Poetry is my key to smiling when I can’t get one together on the spot. When the words won’t come full circle. Poetry is my key to keep it all in, to let it out. To express myself I write a new entry of poetry. Face to face with myself. The darkness looming over me. The hell in the back of my mind. I don’t want to cry, I don’t want to break in front of crowds then lie saying I’m tired. When in reality I’m lost in the pain. I don’t want to face the truth, the pain, the hell as it all comes full circle. I find myself once again alone in my room crying saying… No room to break, no room to lose it, no room to face the pain, to tell myself the truth when I look in the mirror so I let it all out in a new entry of… Poetry Poetry is my key for crying with no one seeing. Poetry is my key for breaking with me keeping my outside so beautifully woven together. Poetry is my key to the truth, I never have the courage to say. Poetry is my key to open up while still keeping it all on the inside. Poetry is my key to smiling when I can’t get one together on the spot. When the words won’t come full circle. Poetry is my key to keep it all in, to let it out. To express myself I write a new entry of poetry. My words can be a peaceful lesson or just another chapter of my black poetry. No matter the meaning behind the words it’s my way to live, to break, to breathe when the words won’t come full circle, but a place where I can come full circle. Poetry is my key to let it all out, the key to keep it all in. I come full circle in poetry.  A lover is supposed to make the dreams
come true. A true lover is supposed to make you come to the conclusion that love is breathtaking come to the conclusion that love is like a dream that transcends reality. Bring you back from the lust of a twisted passionate fulfilled nightmare. Get your pulse in the vibe, feel the tide of the moonlight, need a lover just let me know we’ll ride the flow. Break boundaries of reality create an unparalleled reality. If you need a lover, just let me know. I’ll take you to the moonlight, reach a point where we explore the galaxy through pure ecstasy. We’ll put the vibe out and whatever journey comes we’ll explore together. Just let me know if you need a Lover. Just a one night cover to a lover of fantasy to a new reality need a lover just let me know. I’ll take you to the moonlight shores of a new breathtaking reality. We peak, but we lose nothing and only gain pure fourth wall breaking romance. Let your passion unleash, you’ve never had a soul like this. You’ve never had a mind this complex, yet when it comes to pleasures so simple. Never had a heart with a passionate yet primal urge. Allowing you to slip back and forth into the vibe and the pure pulse. Breathe in and out of the dream, wake up the reality shaped by the pure natural passion. If you need a lover just let me know.  It was 2017 when the story began
collapsing, but it was 2020 when a new chapter was beginning. All my skin knew was stick and stones, all my head told me was that I was alone. I walked away told my friends I have nothing left else to say, let my family know I didn’t wanna make a sound. I was content with being lost, it didn’t cost me anything, but an honest reflection in my story. That pain was nothing but stepping stones. My head told me I was alone, but my soul told me I just needed to take some time out. To really think about me. Told me it was okay to be lost, and slowly I would find myself. This is my story, I was lost, but in a sense of soul, I was found. I let it all go. It was the middle of 2018 when this chapter reached its climax. I had put the pen down. I lifted my head back up to take in the sunlight. Not let anyone tell me what was write for me. Expressed me through something other than my goals. Told Peace to take a step back, and that I needed to come out. Come out and smile just a minute, breathe in the moonlight just for a little bit. I was happy to be lost, but I’m grateful that I was found I was happy to let it all go, but I was Optimistic to pull it all back in. I am grateful to have known Peace, but I’m happy to finally know me. To start a new chapter embracing each and every damn piece of me. This is my story, I was lost, but in a sense of soul, I was found. I let it all go. I’m finally writing a new chapter, I’m finally accepting that this is truly my story. It all comes down to me and what I believe, and I believe in me.  Another year has gone, another part of life coming to a close.
A new cover is about to unfold, and life is about to get closer to a new unpredictable chapter. Ready to accomplish new goals, ready to make more changes. Another battle won, but still getting ready to face the war. A new year, and another chance to do more, another chance to make another change. Another chance to make the mark. A New Year, and we’re going in with a head held high. Only been getting stronger, resolutions makes our evolution to become someone we can look at in the mirror. Deep in our souls, we know that we are ready for the world. A New Year, and we’re ready for anything. This year did not go without heartbreaks. This year did not go without a face full of tears. This year was full of challenges, though we accomplished them all. If we woke up on this day. This year was full of cost and some of us lost. Goodbyes to a lot of people we never thought we would have to say goodbye to so early. We don’t know what this new year will bring. But I know a lot of us will make it to this point again. Down the way, all I can is say good luck and pray even when it’s all down, even when it’s all said, I can only dream that it’s truly a new year We can only pray for the best, and take on whatever life throws at us. A New Year, and we’re going in with a head held high. Only been getting stronger, resolutions makes our evolution to become someone we can look at in the mirror. Deep in our souls, we know that we are ready for the world. A New Year, and we’re ready for anything. I can’t say I have all the answers. I can’t say it will all be bright. You always got to expect new shades of darkness. With each new chapter, some days will always have a twisted turn but know it’s a chance to make a better you. I know what I am going to do. A New Year, and I’m going in with a head held high. Only been getting stronger, resolutions make my Evolution to become someone I can look in the mirror. Deep in my soul, I know I’m ready for the world. A New Year, I’m ready for anything. We’re ready for anything A New Year & We’re Ready.  December Ends Hitting midnight on the 1st of an age-old December. One in green and one in red both alone found one another on the same page where the rain never stops hitting. The winds blowing In all directions pushing them in each other’s stories. The amber sparks when they touch hands embrace without even thinking. A winter awakening neither thought was possible, but the thought of what does this all mean when the rain stops, and the spring peaks through? They both thought about what happens when this December Ends? Green was always used to seeing crimson. Everyone never asked them what they needed to see some clear? Instead, their eyes always faced into the winters rushing clear waves. But when Green found Red it felt like everything Faded into the winter clear and all that was left was a bed where they held hands. As they laid there Green could not help but think what does this mean when midnight hits on the 31st of a never imagined December? scared to close their eyes out of fear of imaging that this moment will be but a dream when this December Ends? Red always saw paper and silver followed by gold, but voices always in their ear, hands always forcing a connection. Running into a cheating soul after another until Red retreats into the dreams of Green. Red lifts their head and ask what do we do when December ends? Go separate ways to end the story and pretend it was nothing but a winter rained out memory. Tears from both ends, as the chapters turn to another to the next page they both think what do they do when this December Ends? They start to pull away as the clocks get closer to midnight. Both decide on what is right while each know that this ending is wrong. Red leaves the page and Green stay on the same line. Red pauses in the clear as the clock strikes a new Time, but then the rain clears and Green stands in the new clear. Both stand in the ending. They both said as they embraced... Even though this December Ends, the story only begins... Last December
I chose to be alone when the winter rain came pouring in, but I always got a knock on the 24th December. A gift came wrapped for the 25th of remembrance. I felt like the Winter was like my amber it burned me to keep me to myself, though I knew it was you behind the door, the gift it wasn’t until Last December I knew it were you... Last December is all I need to remember that you were always there for me. When you put the lights up and around the tree. I could finally see that you were always there for me. I was murderously blind the winter’s end because I thought that every December just had to be me. A one on me love style, no type of love story. Never thought in December I would be here entangled in a love story. Thought it would end when spring peeked through the winter rain. Though like the weather you were unpredictable. You stayed, kept me in, but always giving me a way to leave and be me. This December is all I needed to see that winters never have to be alone. When the lights go up on the tree I don’t need to be alone to feel free. I opened up early unlike the winter because I thought every December would only just be me. I remember, in came a winter awakening to be honest... Never got the snow, but I always felt the rain. Free on cold December nights didn’t have to find someone just to hold onto until December ends. I always gave a gift to myself, any December I felt right nothing could come and make me believe anyone else was needed. Behind that winter awakening was you, like the rain always there… Last December is all I need to remember that you were always there for me. When you put the lights up and around the tree. I could finally see that you were always there for me. I was murderously blind by the winter’s rain because I thought that every December just had to be me. A one on me love style, no type of love story. Next December, may come faster than the last but when I’m there it’ll feel like forever. Burning like a winter amber. Last December was all I needed to remember that it was always you. This December was I needed to see that winters never have to be alone...  The truth was never an issue with me, but when it came...
My life has been nothing but short of confessions, but you look me in the eyes and you see The Truth I refuse to admit. Is it wrong to live a lie when so much life has emerged from it? It’s hard to say I love you when I don’t even love myself. I put up illusions to hide my true confessions. You said a kiss won’t make all of these insecurities go away. You tell me to just stay so you can help me love me. You said you’ll wait until I’m in love with me so that I can finally love you, and let you love me the way you need to. To hide the Truth I refuse to Admit. Rather live a lie, than tell the truth that could cause a part of me to die. I used to think the truth was only just smoke and mirrors, and that the lies are where our real selves lie. My truth is that love is always on my mind and that you were always at the center. But I would never let my truth venture too far out into the light. You said a kiss won’t make all of these insecurities go away, but I wanna get lost in you. Because sometimes it’s easier to be lost than to be found. I don’t wanna make a sound, I want to forget that I’m even here, but you refuse to let me submit. You want me to admit... You ask for the truth to the one thing I’ve been lying about. Because you refuse to let me forget and move on. The Truth I won’t admit has gotten me through everything, but something in this moment stops here. It makes me fall short And yet I still want to lie. I’ve never been afraid to die, but I’ve been afraid to leave this world because of a broken heart. |
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