 5 years passed, and I'm still writing love stories.
27 days since I last listened to our song, made for me, is the feeling you told me that rings in my ear, but still close to 365 days I'm being reminded of the I love yous that were never followed through. 3 entries since you last spoke to me, over 1000 new verses since you last saw me. I'm still counting since we both left each other with a ghost. I'm still counting every piece of my recovery, still counting that one Summer love story that still has me counting the days since the last time I was able to tell someone I love you. 145 days passed since the last possibility, and still, my mindscape drifts to you. 29 days each year I’m reminded of the heartbreak that turned into a broken ghost. 5 years since that summer trying to figure out where the trauma started. It began way before you were written into my story, but you made me for the very first time read between the lines and made me finally acknowledge it’s my undeniable origin story. I'm still counting since we both left each other with a ghost. I'm still counting every piece of my recovery, still counting that one summer love story that still has me counting the days since the late time I was able to tell someone I love you. 3 heartbreaks since then, and one love story that changed how I love myself. It's been five since our story and sometimes I think about you and sometimes I try to figure out why I still want to remember you. Were you my first love? Or were you just a forever reminder of heartbreak? The one that got away? A ghost to haunt me in the direction of peace? A pain I'm supposed to carry until I truly learn to leave it all in the past and stop counting the ways I can write about heartache? 5 years later, I'm still breathing. 5 years later, and I'm still waiting for the minute I stop counting. Will it be another 365 till I'm ready to truly move on.
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 You spread hate, you shine your mirror on
everyone else. I don’t live for evil, but I believe in fair game. I see the darkness in front of me, I touch it, just to give you a piece of what you spread. The Revenge is so sweet The Darkness is so welcoming I knew what I was getting into, now I am lost. In the Dark... No one drove me to the dark, I went on my own. I just got lost, now all I see is the pain, all I see is hell. Revenge is sweet, but after a while it gets bitter. and then your heart begins to wither away. Then the soul burns for rage burns for evil because you’ve been consumed by the dark. You’ve Lost Your Way In The Dark... I said your mirror was shattered, I said you were nothing but a pawn for the devil. You refused to look at yourself. Then I had To take a look at mine, and then I could not see me. I could only see the dark, lighten up only by the flames. I played with fire (welcomed the flames) But I added gas to the flames Now I see nothing but flames. And now I am looking for a way out! No one drove me to the dark, I went on my own. I just got lost, now all I see is the pain, all I see is hell. Revenge is sweet, but after a while it gets bitter. and then your heart begins to wither away. Then the soul burns for rage burns for evil because you’ve been consumed by the dark. You’ve Lost Your Way In The Dark Salvation God wake me up. Salvation is so welcoming. Salvation, I repent for the flames I caused. Salvation, I reap what I sow. Salvation. I ask for forgiveness. So close! So close to Salvation… No one drove me to the dark, I went on my own. I just got lost, and now the light has found me Revenge is sweet but after a while the taste withers and disappears Revenge is never worth losing you in the darkness. It’s never worth, having your heartbreak It’s never worth, having your soul consumed by darkness It’s never worth it to get lost in the dark. Because it’s hard to find the light In The Dark…  You look at the world differently
when you know you can burn it down. Leave nothing but ashes… I saw the fire for what it really is. The flames black absent of color, the smoke crimson. Untouched, unmoved until I feel it wave back and forth as I get closer with my hand. The fire grabs me… Have you ever seen nature hungry? Let go of just a piece of your morality shed just a layer of what you think it means to be human bound to this world. You look at nature differently when you realize it’s really hungry. You breathe the air differently when you realize what it’s really craving. I would rush to breathe the Crimson smoke of the Black Fire. Allow my eyes to be seen within the red haze. When I took in the black fire I was embraced with the wave of its black flames. Embraced by the truth of nature, seeing the answers in the red haze of the… Black Fire.  You kissed me on the cheek, then you pulled me
closer but before we go any further I think you need to know the truth about me. Truth is I'm shy I can't deny that it has something to do with my pride. I easily get lost in your eyes but I won't tell you because I'm... Emotionally unavailable, but I'll secretly love you till the end. Don't like to talk about myself, but I'll tell you anything you want to know. Don't really know my love language but I'm willing to learn. This is the truth about me, sometimes I don't know if I'm enough. Sometimes I don't know if someone is into me or just being nice. I can't take hints so I may come off a little dense, but I promise it's just my defense. I'm not humble I just don't think I'm all that, this is the truth about me. The truth is I might be a little damaged, a little insecure, but I'm worth every minute. Truth or dare? You know imma pick dare, but I know you're going to dare me to tell the truth, and I'll give you everything. You'll put me on the spot even say I like the attention but truth is I like to be on the outside looking in because the truth is... I'm shy but put me in the spotlight and I'll give you a show. Give me the mic and I'll sing my heart out. Put out in front and I'll prove to you why I'm the sign, the best you'll even have but... This is the truth about me, sometimes I don't know if I'm enough. Sometimes I don't know if someone is into me or just being nice. I can't take hints so I may come off a little dense, but I promise it's just my defense. I'm not humble I just don't think I'm all that, this is the truth about me. The Truth is I might be a little damaged, a little insecure, but I'm worth every minute. You dare me to admit the truth you dare to say… You dare me to admit the truth, well here it is just for you. This is the truth about myself. Tell me you love me, and I'll brush it off but secretly I'll blush. Because sometimes I don't know if enough. Don't know if you're really into me or are you just playing nice. The truth is my heart will say give it a go but my mind tells me don't overthink. The truth is I might be a little damaged, a little insecure, but truth is I'm waiting for you to tell me I'm worth it. Truth is...  Just when I thought I was done with love and wanted it
out of my life. You came on back into my sight and looked me in the eyes. That smile always caught me off guard, felt like I was looking into pure limitless sky. Got me to the point, where I was about to cry. You couldn’t help but notice my heart isn’t as open as it used to be. I grew tired of all the lies just wanted one person to be truthful with me. As you hugged me you whispered do you think we could try again? You say… It’s been a while since you’ve seen me. But you tell me you never stopped loving me. You look me in the eyes, and you still see the part of me you fell in love with, remember the exact moment when you thought we would never become strangers, you tell me that I’ve changed, but my smile is still the same and it would always shine through the rain, but it was yours that got me through the pain. You found me at the point where I ddin’t even want to try but you pulled me closer and said the will to love never dies. It’s been a while since you’ve seen me. But you tell me you never stopped loving me.  Asking everyone if I’m in my right mind?
Acting as if you need me to be in a good mood so you can come and confess all this protest you’ve had with us. We move to the room and it goes from this protest to lust, to a question of trust and a quick brush with real honesty. You come quick, and I leave just as fast. I don’t gotta be in a right mind for you to tell me what you need to tell me. This is not the reality we’ve had, but no matter what it’s crashing down. You don’t need me to be in the right mind for you to come and leave me. Love is a fragile thing, and to be honest we played with it like we were unbreakable. If you don’t love me anymore you don’t even have to tell me because I stopped loving you a long time ago. I stopped loving you when you stepped out of each conversation to text a I'm thinking about you text to your friend, and to your sister, but I'm not too upset because I was doing the same thing. Asking everyone if I’ve had a couple of drinks? Acting like you need me to be under the influence to condone your so-called innocence, trust me neither of us is innocent. So why don’t you just tell me what you need to tell me? We had a good run, but we can have one last marathon. I want you close one last time. Let you pull me in, let me pull you back as we just let go of this last ounce of lust and trust we have left.You don’t need me to be under the influence to get all of me one last time. Our reality can still crash down as we go one last time. As we break it off and on with one last good time. We don’t have to sit up all night, asking if, why and how come we don’t love each other anymore. I stopped loving around the same time you stopped loving me. This whole thing has just been a prelude to a heartbreak love story. So if you don’t love me anymore, just save the I'm sorrys and enjoy this last goodbye kiss. If You Don’t Love Me Anymore, save it because I stopped loving you a long time ago. This goodbye was everything. It is the peak of our lust story. That one last hold was everything, the time we had was amazing, but I have to say this again. The goodbye was everything.  Snow used to fall so harshly
as I cried on the porch waiting to hear your footsteps. It used to fall so harshly as I revisited memories of last December, not knowing that would be the moment our December ends. I no longer fight back tears as I let the Snowfall. I let them fall as I remember you. A part of me never thought I would finally be able to stand the snowfall. A part of me never thought I could watch the door and accept the fact that you’re never coming home. A part of me Never thought that I would ever find peace in the remedy of the Snowfall again. After all these Decembers even though I’m still missing you the snow didn’t bury my heart. Now I’m giving myself the gift of your memory this december. I’m bearing this December with the gift of your memory. The snow falls so peacefully as I slowly breathe and remember our last december so vividly. I now sleep peacefully moving onto a new winter never ever trying to recreate the december we once had. I can share every piece of me without feeling like I’m forgetting you. The snow touches my skin and in that moment I think of you. I never thought I would be able to bear the snowfall by myself let alone with someone else. I confess I felt guilty as I watched the snowfall with someone else, but I knew deep down you would want me to move past the storm and find the love in the snowfall again. After all these Decembers even though I’m still missing you the snow didn’t bury my heart. Now I’m giving myself the gift of your memory this december. I’m bearing this December with the gift of your memory. The gift of your memory keeps me from losing myself in the snowfall. The gift of your memory allows me to move on this december. I’m bearing this December with the gift of your memory.  Waking up on a cold December night and you are not in my sight. I fight back the flooding tears; because I will never feel you on my skin again. Nights like this, I pray you come through the door to hold me. Under the heavenly lights. This night is breaking me and tearing my heart apart. I never thought I would bear this time. Without you here with me Waking up on the first of many cold days Going to sleep on my many cold nights. Realizing you are not coming home. Bearing December with so much pain in my heart. Bearing December alone in my bed, in my house, in my soul. Bearing December with no one to talk to. Looking at the snow on the ground and I can see you coming to the door. Holding back tears, this December. The first night is the hardest; the first break of daylight is the most overbearing. Everyone asking how am I holding up? They feel the cold on my skin, and the pain begins to win. The tears begin to flood, and then I go back To our room wishing it was not a cold December, because I can’t bear this time without you. I never thought I would bear this time. Without you next to me. Waking up on the first of many closed spaces. Going to sleep on the first of many filled nights realizing you are not coming home. As the memories don’t slow down. Bearing December with so much pain in my heart. Bearing December alone in my bed, in my house, in my soul. Bearing December with no one to talk to Looking at the snow on the ground, and I can remember seeing you Last December coming to the door. Holding back tears, on this December Holding myself up at the front door and the cold Is hitting my skin, and the snow seem like slow rain drops. Missing you this hard on this month, bearing this cold December. I put faith in god you are here with me, not the way I want you But having you here with me in my soul is enough for me to bear this December Bearing December with so much pain in my heart. Bearing December alone in our bed, in our house, in my soul. Bearing December with no one to talk to except the memories of you. Looking at the snow on the ground and I can see you coming to the door. As I begin to hold back tears, this December.  I’ve been sleeping a little more than I’m
used to, dreaming like I used to instead of making it come true. Looking for things to distract me too, because I don’t want to think about how my life is so uneasy. Can’t hide it anymore, can’t fight it anymore. Don’t wanna end up on the ground like last time. I’ve had bad days, but this one day it’s all coming at me, and I don’t know what I need to do. I guess it took this one bad day, this one relapse to pick the phone up and say hey, pray and talk to God like I used to, be honest with myself like no one is around. I’ve been strong for so long I forgot how to ask for help. I didn’t want to pay attention to things that capture my weakest attention and make me feel like nothing. I don’t feel the energy to wake up and conquer the world, I just want to dream about things I want like I used to. When I was okay with just okay. It hasn’t been easy, it hasn’t been hard either, it’s just been there. I’ve just been there. Okay with just anything okay with just dreaming. I guess it took this one bad day, this one relapse to pick the phone up and say hey, pray and talk to God like I used to, be honest with myself like no one is around. I’ve been strong for so long I forgot how to ask for help. I just wanna free myself and I guess it took one bad for me to see the road again. To see that... I’ve come along way, and I don’t want to let one bad day to stop me like it used to yesterday. I want to see the road again and it took this one bad day to remind me of how I used to be, took this one bad day to remind of who I am and who I can be. I guess it took this one bad day, this one relapse to make me pick up the phone again and say hey, pray and talk to God like I used to. Be honest with myself like I used to. Get a glimpse of what Freedom Feels like again. I guess it takes a couple of bad days to make you feel like you used to. To make you want to taste freedom again.  Tried, trust issues, a heart filled with
unfulfilled wishes. A heavy soul asking why it’s so hard. A broken strength, but holding up so much. I smile and breathe. I’ve been here, that is why I don’t fear, fear the next steps I take. I’ve been here, so I can hear all the right things. See all the best things. Live my life without the added hurt of covering up the wounds in my soul. The sales, the reads, the ones who are weren’t there don’t mean a damn thing to me. Because My story has always been about honesty. well, to be honest, I almost didn’t make it. I went through a good part of my life holding it all in, kinda hoping to see the end. deep down future, I thought I couldn’t win. I’ve been there, that is why I can be alone. Walk alone and not ever feel lonely. The love I got from the world around me lifted me higher than the insecurities inside me. The love I got from the life long blessings around me lifted me higher than the demons deep within me. I saw the signs and thank god I’ve been here before. Been here in this deep end. I saw the sighs so I don’t have to pretend to be stronger than I really am. I’ve been here, so I don’t fear the next chapter. I’ve been here so I can’t wait for the next part of my story to begin. God, I thank you for keeping me here. I’ve been here, but I’ve never been higher than I am right now. I found that everything with a purpose always makes a sound. Which is why I always thank God for keeping me here. I've still here because... I’ve been here, so I can breathe and not have to hold all this pain in. |
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